Tug of War

I started making tough decisions at 9 years old. My emotions were all over the place, but one things for sure, I wanted some stability. I was tired of uncertainty and people disregarding my feelings. Once displaced from my grandmother’s home and placed in to foster care, the questions haunted me of why my family allowed this to happen. Where had everyone gone? As mentioned previously, my brother had a terminal illness and required daily medication. I had heard from DCF (Division of Children and Families) social workers and my foster mother that attempts had been made to find us a home within my family, but those attempts were often met with the same expression, “I’ll take her, but not him.” After hearing this all too often, I was so confused. Did people really think that I would leave my brother in an unfamiliar place without me there? We were a package deal. I couldn’t fathom leaving him alone even though I longed for some sense of normalcy.

I paid close attention to things that were happening around me, and made decisions accordingly when given the chance. I knew that there was a constant conversation happening behind the scenes regarding my well being. Who was going to take me in? Where was I going to live? It saddened me that the few family members who were presented with the option of becoming my caregiver, would only come to my rescue, but not his. Even though leaving was on my mind, I thought it unfair to leave Jermaine. I also thought it unfair to leave the woman who took us in (no questions asked) and loved my brother and I through this entire ordeal. So, when asked who I wanted to stay with, I opted to stay with my brother in my foster mother’s home. Wherever he was is where I wanted to be.

I loved my brother, but I also wanted a normal life. I felt guilty about what was happening to him. I felt guilty for wanting out of this situation. I often wished that it was me instead of him because, although I wasn’t physically ill, I was still going through my own turmoil inside. I remember being so angry that I had to endure all of this. As Jermaine was nearing the end of his life, I remember watching him crawling around the house because he was no longer able to walk or stand up right. I hated it! I began to cry and yell at him, “Get up and walk!! Why are you doing this?!?” His reply was one that has weighed heavy on me for my entire life, he said, “I CAN’T, WHAT IF IT WAS YOU?”.

I often wonder if my brother resented me for being normal. Did he secretly wish this happened to both of us and not just him? Did he know how guilt ridden I was; that I wished it was me? Did he know that I was tired of the ridicule from other children regarding our circumstances? Did he know that sometimes I wished that I wasn’t a part of all this? I just wanted to be normal. I wonder if he knew that deep inside I was contemplating jumping out of the 3rd floor of the apartment we lived in because I was beginning to hate life. I wonder if he knew that he was half of my heart and as he was dying, so was I. Did he know that I just wanted us to grow up together? I will never know his thoughts because he was consumed with just trying to literally live. We never talked about it: we didn’t know how to have the conversation.

All of these emotions pull on me like a game of tug of war. I have never been able to discuss it. I never wanted to seem selfish or like I didn’t really care. Truth is, I did care. I loved (and still love) my brother with all of me. However, as a child, I just couldn’t understand why this was happening to us and, at times, found myself wishing I was completely independent of it all. I just wanted to be a child, that’s it; just a child with none of all the heaviness attached. This was hard to let go of. Today, I am letting it go; ridding myself of the guilt. I am moving on with my life knowing that none of this was ever my fault: my feelings were valid because they were my feelings and I was entitled to them. The burden of guilt is heavy to bear. It‘s time to release it. #releasebyfaith

I love you Jermaine. I will love you forever!!!

9/23/1980-1/25/91

Isaiah 50:7

For the Lord God will help Me:

Therefore I will not be disgraced;

Therefore I have set my face like a flint.

And I know that I will not be ashamed.