Lose to Win

I was about 22 years old when I literally hit rock bottom. I was in one of the darkest times of my life. I failed out of nursing school with only 2 months left-completely lost focus. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was caught up in things and relationships that meant me no good. My self esteem was at an all time low and I was drowning. I didn’t even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror, that’s how bad it was. I found myself homeless and lost. How did I get there? How could I let that happen? It was a whirlwind of bad energy around me: I felt like I was failing at life.

Truth is, I was failing at life. I had lost faith, not only in myself, but I lost faith in God as well. I was on a path to destruction. There were so many people rooting for me and I knew I was letting them down. I began to isolate myself from people who loved me because I didn’t want to hear the truth. “Can’t get right”, a phrase I began to hear over and over in my head. I couldn’t get right; couldn’t get it together. I believe that God was trying to get my attention, but I was ignoring all the signs. To be honest, during that time, I was so far removed from Him. It wasn’t until I lost everything that I began to realize that I needed Him more than anything, but, I felt so undeserving.

This was tough for me. I had to learn to face myself; face my shame and convince myself that I was worth it. See, one by one things were being removed from me. I lost my apartment; put my belongings in storage, then I lost that. I had lost everything that I worked so hard to build on my own. Oddly enough, I was still employed through all of this. I would stay with people here and there until my welcome wore out. Then I began to sleep in my car. But, I continued to push through. I had to take a long hard look at myself and make a decision. Did I want to wallow in self pity or did I want to get my life back on track? I chose to get up and be the person I knew I was. TAKE MY LIFE BACK!!! Listen, GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!

Thinking back to that time in my life, God kept me covered. It was nobody but Him! I had to remind myself of all the other things I survived in my life up until that point; all the adversity I overcame, only to regress. I was a fighter. I knew what I needed to do. No one was going to fight for me and it was imperative that I take my life back. I vowed that I would never allow that to happen to me again. I was not made to self destruct. I was born to win!

It has been a journey, a strenuous and tedious journey; nonetheless, every trial, tribulation, and loss has shaped me for this time, this very moment, in this season. With a grateful heart, I reflect on the experiences that God brought me through and tears find there way down my face. I AM A QUEEN, always have been, and I always will be.

Matthews 11:28-30

Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.