I was emancipated at the age of 16. A judge trusted me with my own life; to be responsible and take care of myself. I truly wanted this as I felt like I was a burden and, in my head, I wanted to rid others of the responsibility. No matter how much anyone would try to help me, the overwhelming feeling of loneliness had a presence in my life. I just wanted to be independent and figure it all out for myself. It was life changing; it was hard. I forced myself to be an adult, but I was still a child.
I had no clue what I was doing. I hadn’t mastered all of the major life skills that were needed to truly live on my own, and I had problems after problems that seemed to develop- regularly. Initially, I had roommates, but quickly, they realized that they couldn’t handle it and went back home. The saying, “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”, rang true for me. I was independent in every sense of the word. I was a high school student and an adult at the same time. But, by no means was I going to give up and prove the naysayers right. I had to push through.
I couldn’t let anyone see my struggles. Not only was I an emotional mess due to all that proceeded this new found independence, but I now had to function at a capacity that screamed adulthood. I couldn’t show anyone that I was an emotional disaster as I believed it would symbolize that I wasn’t able to function independently. So, I put up this facade that I had it all under control. I was teaching myself how to be an adult, but I was struggling. I appeared to be doing well, but truthfully, I needed guidance.
I learned how to survive on my own. I learned how to persevere and get things done; work hard to make a life for myself. While all of that was great, I didn’t know a thing about self-love. I never had anyone take the time to teach me how to love me or even model what that looks like. As a result, I made a lot of poor decisions and many mistakes. My self esteem was at an all time low, but I was still pushing to figure it all out; determined to persevere. In spite of the pain that consumed me around my childhood, I still knew that I needed to change the trajectory of my life. But listen, when you lack self-love, you get caught up. We can be our own worst enemy.
I want to take the time to forgive myself for all the extra pain I brought to my life because I didn’t know how to love me. It took so long for me to understand that I’m worth it. As a result, there are some lessons that I learned the hard way. One would say that you live and you learn, its true, but, you also have to learn to live! It’s part of the process. Every life lesson has shaped me in to who I am. Today I am reminded that I made it through! It was a rough journey, but I’m here! A SURVIVOR!!!!
Part of living your best life is loving who you are no matter what- flaws and all. I thank God for sustaining me and saving me from myself. Oh, how grateful I am for his grace and mercy! Take the time to reflect on where God has brought you from. I thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through! You should too!
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage;
do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God
is with you wherever you go.
-NKJV
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