Initiating the Release

It’s my 40th birthday!!!! I had huge expectations around where I should be-what my life was supposed to be like when I reached this milestone. But, God had other plans! So, why am I doing this, why now? Glad you asked. I’ve been spending most of my life trying to convince myself that all is well. Most would say I’m in a great space. I have a great career, a beautiful family, and we are thriving well. But, there are times when I’m just not available. I can be in the same room with my family, and not be present. It’s not intentional, I’m pre-occupied with the hidden details of my heart. I want to thank my husband for his love, support, and his obedience! My husband exposes me in areas I try to hide. He calls me out on my “stuff”. Although its uncomfortable at times, I get it now. He encourages me to be vulnerable and loves me through it all! I am constantly telling my daughters to love themselves. “Own who you are and be true to yourself”, I tell them. But, why haven’t I done that? Why haven’t I believed that this type of freedom is available to me?

“You’re strong, keep pushing, you can’t dwell on that” are a few things that most of us tell ourselves to get over a thing and keep moving. While it is important to move on, it is even more important to move on in a healthy manner. We have got to deal with the issues of our past that keep us bound and stagnant. In doing that, we will begin to break the generational chains that are passed down through our families. Some of these chains are inherited y’all (ie, pain, guilt, and shame). We are born with them because for some of us, those that came before us never informed us of their experiences, they just transferred their “stuff” on to us without even knowing it. But, instead of dealing with our issues, we sweep them under the rug and add more of our own. The cycle needs to stop now!

It’s the beginning of my healing process and its been a long time coming! I am excited about this journey. I realize that in order to be better- a better person, better wife, better mother, friend and overall just a better me, there is some work that needs to be done on my part. The first step in any healing process is to acknowledge that there is a need/problem. One must be aware that an issue exists. I’ve mastered “being strong”. But, how many of us know that there is no strength in hiding who we are? We open the gateway to depression, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and become stuck when we don’t deal with our emotions or our traumatic experiences head on. I will no longer be bound by my past and stalled in my future. I want my peace, I’m coming for mine!

I’ve gone through life attempting to forget my past experiences. I’ve hid them in a place so deep that I just continue on, not necessarily pretending that none of it ever happened, but selling myself the idea that it doesn’t need to be discussed. That could never be further from the truth. See, I’ve gotten used to living my life wrapped up in a huge bandage. When the bandage becomes visibly soiled, I just replace it with a new one and, guess what? The drainage builds up again. No matter how much I believed that I moved past the trauma, something happens to remind me that’s not the case.

I’ve been navigating life with so much baggage attached to me-only releasing bits and pieces along the way-and my load has now become too much to carry. I’ve seen therapists (never truly engaged), stayed to myself, held it all in, and ultimately, I’ve come to a point where I realize that I have never truly done the work to begin the healing process. I have always been afraid of what that looks like. How do I expose myself to that level of vulnerability? Here’s how! Trust God, exercise your faith, its as simple as that. He said in his Word that He will never leave me nor forsake me and He won’t!

While I realize the process of taking a deeper dive in to myself may not be pretty, I desire freedom. I desire to be closer to God; establishing a deeper relationship with Him. To do that, I have to eliminate all that is crowding my mind and heart, fully focusing on Him. God has been dealing with me lately in a way that is pushing me toward a place of discomfort; a new place, but one of peace! He is calling me to release all that is taking up space in his dwelling place. I am more ready now than I’ve ever been! The bandage shall be removed and I shall move forth with the confidence of knowing this will all work for my good. I now have courage to deal with the underlying issues of my life at the core. I am giving myself permission to be transparent and allowing God to purge.

All I’ve ever needed to do was trust God. I know that if God leads me to it, He will see me through it-no cliche. He has carried me for so long, it’s time for me to walk! His patience with me is matchless. I believe that I can be healed, that I will be free in the mighty name of Jesus! The journey begins here and now! So here I am, initiating the release-moving toward freedom and all that it brings. My prayer is that you too, will begin to look at areas of your life that you are hiding for fear of what that looks like to the world. Release it! I’m here to tell you there is no freedom in hiding. We are being called to unmask. It starts today!

Psalm 91:1-2

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”