A Family Apart

I am the baby of 7 siblings. We all have the same mother. My siblings are much older than me, so as a child, it appeared to me that everyone was established. So, when I was displaced from my family, one can only imagine the pain I felt as I believed that my twin brother and I were abandoned. I needed them more than they would ever know. When I had an opportunity to reunite with my family, it was bittersweet. I was so excited to be close to them again, but deep down inside my heart was crying. I felt like I wanted my family more than they wanted me. As a child, I didn’t realize that we all had different vantage points around the circumstances that took place in our lives.

When I left my adopted Mom, it wasn’t all peaches and cream. There were times when I wished I would’ve stayed with her. I went from one family member to the next to live as it seemed I just didn’t fit in anywhere. I felt like a burden. It was one thing to be removed from my family, but to be in the midst of them and still feel like something was missing was something else. I was resentful. Everyday that I was spending with my family was a reminder of how much time was spent without them. I started spending more time around my friends who easily became family because my relationships with them became my escape.

It was tough to go from house to house just trying to belong. What I realized the most is that individually, my family seemed to be dealing with their own struggles and challenges. It seemed, from my vantage point, that I was in the way. It felt like everyone that had a turn at being my caregiver was attempting to be my Mom. I didn’t want a Mom, I had lost her. I just wanted to be understood. I started feeling like I should just take care of myself. I could have easily gone back to my adopted Mom, she would have accepted me with open arms. However, my pride wouldn’t let me. I began to have behavioral issues in school. I couldn’t focus. I was mad at the world. But most of all, I was angry at my family.

Each of my siblings have their own story to tell. I never stopped to think about what they endured from their perspective. I only knew how I felt; what I was dealing with on the inside of me. I have selfishly believed for the entirety of my life that I was the only one dealing with anything; that everything that happened in my life only affected me and no one else. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. As I write, digging deep into my heart to give God my pain, I am reminded that I’m not the only one that has suffered.

I now realize the selfishness in my anger toward my family. My family needs to heal. It is not all about me when it comes to some of the things I’ve experienced. I’ve realized that if my mother wasn’t there for me, she certainly couldn’t have been there for my other siblings. It affected us all; we’re connected. We’ve somehow managed to hide emotions from one another; we don’t talk about ANYTHING and the result of that is more pain, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a family that is more apart than we are together. I wish I knew their perspective.

There is no doubt that we love each other. However, we haven’t mastered the art of coming together. We are not perfect, but we are family. At the nucleus of our family is pain. I am believing God that we are on the path to a new beginning as it relates to each of us. Today, I am starting the conversation and ushering us in to release all that is broken. I know it can be done!

I am releasing the anger that I have had toward my siblings regarding the part I believed them to play in my early life circumstances. I love each and every one of them and, I now know that we all have been effected differently by the circumstances of our past. I’ve always expected something from each of them that they couldn’t provide: I apologize. I declare that WE will heal! It starts with transparency; the will to release. It begins with me.

John 21:18

Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish.